The Adventurers' Tavern, a short crossover story

Incandescent lights flickered and buzzed in a nigh-entirely wooden room. It was a tavern reminiscent of 16^th-century European design. But this one, much like the restaurant at the end of the universe, existed on the fringe of space and time. Why? Because adventurers like Link and Guybrush Threepwood always needed a place to kick back with a cold drink once in a while between quests. All currency, even those from other planets, was even accepted here, and drinks of every type you could imagine were available. Some signs outside dictated what wasn’t allowed, though: “No Monsters or robots allowed! Please smoke outside building, No bar-fights!” and others that did not need mentioning.

 Today, the tavern was packed. Many different patrons crowded around the bar, listening to another tale of a great quest gone successfully well. Attending from left to right were: The enigmatic Samurai “Jack” who had stopped by for some refreshment; Umang of the Keepers’ clan, taking a load off with his friend Nikifor[1]; Prince Alexander of Daventry – known better as King Alexander of the Land of the Green Isles - was the one relating the great tale, accompanied by his middle-aged father, King Graham.[2]

 In the middle of the room, Robert Foster had just strolled in with a comm-watch on his wrist, ending a radio conversation with his friend Ken back in Union City, Australia[3]. Almost out of nowhere, Roger Wilco, one of the most unknown people in the quadrant save for his amazing janitorial tactics[4], greeted Robert and made a friendly handshake.

 Agent 5, Gage Blackwood of the Temporal Security Agency[5], was stumbling about, drunk from just one Titanic Titillator[6]. He barely managed to avoid bumping his head against the kegs, one of which bore a graffito: “Pewds Was Here”, left by a man just before he was driven out by dozens of overexcited patrons yesterday[7].

 “What happened next, King Alex?” Umang asked with as much respect as he could muster to the man’s nobility.

 “The best part, I would imagine, my friend! I had just persuaded a living gate to grant me an audience with the Lord of the Dead himself!”

 “Aku?” Jack asked with a leap in his heart at hearing a sentence like that.

 “No, I heard his name was Samhain. At least, that’s what it was when he was human, millennia ago. Anyways, the Lord of the Dead was quite intimidating, but I felt no fear as I threw down the gauntlet. Literally, a black Gauntlet of Challenge, and then he rasped, ‘Make. Me. Cry’ as an appropriate challenge. Fortunately, I had a magic Mirror of Truth, and from what I could tell by his face, the Lord of the Dead was seeing his entire life flash back through the mirror, and just when I felt ready to drop the thing, it shattered and...” He paused to build up suspense under the burning tea candles he had on the countertop “...He shed a single tear, and I had won the right to save the souls of King Callaphim and Queen Allaria, as a way of gaining support to save my dear beloved Princess Cassima!”

 Several moments of silence passed over the bar, though the general din of chatter in the rest of the place dampened it slightly. Then Umang and Jack started applauding that scene, and Alexander moved on the next part of his story.

 Meanwhile, Roger and Robert had picked up some drinks and found a booth in the back to speak alone with each other.

 “So, Roger, what’s your story? I’ve been kind of a nomad ever since I left Union City for the Gap. That’s what we call the Outback now, anyways.”

 “It’s a little crazy, actually: I’m supposed to be an intergalactic hero, but nobody notices or cares about that status!”

 “Really? How come?”

 “I don’t know! I remember that one time when I had gotten to be a starship captain for a short time, but then StarCon busted me back down to Janitor Second Class for crimes I hadn’t even committed. Well...I did cause some stuff to blow up here and there, but those weren’t even on the charges!”

 “Dang, sounds like you had it pretty tough. What did you achieve, though?”

 “I stopped a lot of people from taking over my home world, Xenon. My particular arch-rival is named Sludge Vohaul. I had to beat him twice – the second time, he’d uploaded his brain into Xenon’s supercomputer. *sigh* But enough of that. What about you, Rob?”

 “Pretty much on the same page, maybe a little less harsh, I guess. I grew up in the Gap after my mother died in a chopper shot down by Security. A tribe found and took care of me, but then Security came back when I turned 25 and took me back to Union City. And what else did their commander Reich do? He nuked my family to death on the way back! Serves him right that the city’s LINC computer shot him dead,”

 He paused to take a sip of his bourbon on the rocks, “But it’s not all bad. I had this robot friend of mine named Joey; he helped me along, had various chassis, and we worked together to find my old dad, Richard. But he cared more about LINC than me or my mother, and I really didn’t feel that much for his passing.”

 “What happened to Joey, then?” Roger inquired with interest.

 “His last chassis was a full android body, I renamed him ‘Ken’, and now he’s the new controller of LINC.”

 “What’s LINC?”

 “I can’t exactly remember the full acronym, but it’s basically an AI computer that works by linking with a living brain. My Dad linked with it...on purpose! Fortunately, Ken was able to take control in the nick of time, and that not only saved my life, but cleaned up all the gross tendrils covering the whole lab as well.”

 “I wish I shared your luck, Rob,” Roger sighed while shaking his head. I haven’t had a new promotion to captaincy in years, and StarCon doesn’t accept me anymore. I am glad that I still have a future wife to look forward to.”

 “Huh?”

 “Yeah, I know who my wife will be already because my future son aided me on a certain adventure. Her name’s Beatrice Wankmeister, but she hasn’t been around lately. For that matter, neither are my friends Flo, Droole, Cliffy or WD-40. I miss Bea and that gaggle of space jockeys I worked with on the SCS Eureka.”

 “I’m sorry to hear that, Rog.”

 All of a sudden, the saloon-style player piano ground to a halt, when two cyborgs in black uniforms barged in. They were wearing helmets that almost impersonated one member of Daft Punk, and the letters “SP” stood out strikingly on their arm bands in blood red. They were the infamous Sequel Police, travelling throughout time and universes to make sure no sequels were being created that violated set laws of quality towards viewers.

 The two policemen strutted about, one of them scanning the area with a handheld device, the other threatening certain patrons with his plasma rifle, aiming the laser sight at their heads for any point that should they step out of line.

 The one with the scanner marched with a glaring look from his narrow visor, checking each patron. Then the scanner started beeping when he reached the far end, and he spoke in a gruff, electronic voice, “Samurai Jack, please come with us.”

 “What do you want with me?” Jack asked with a defensive tone.

 “We have orders direct from Aku to eliminate you.”

 “That’s not how the Sequel Police act!” Roger yelled across the room. He prepared to rush them, but the officer with the gun forced him back down.

 “You know those people?” Robert asked him curiously.

 “Too well; Vohaul hired them to kill ME so he could rule my home world Xenon in the future! I liked ‘em better when they were just inspecting timelines.”

 Then both of those men watched with shock and awe as Jack drew his katana and slashed both the Sequel Policemen in multiple places, killing them almost without drawing any blood.

 “Zounds! I’ve never seen a warrior kill two people at once at such a fast speed before!” Alexander exclaimed.

 As Jack brushed off his Gi and sat back down, he replied, “I am well experienced in combat, sire. It gets rather tiring when Aku sends only robots and bounty hunters to destroy me, the coward!”

 “Seems we all have our troubles,” King Graham nodded promptly.

 The Spaniard Mendoza took a seat towards the middle of the bar, and asked for a glass of port. He related, with an air of calm, cool attitude, his tale of discovering the 2^nd of 7 Cities of Gold like the legends told, but with a twist of science fiction.[8] He glanced at a portrait of Gordon Freeman above the mantel among many others, and listened to a funky ragtime tune playing out on the mechanized piano.

 “Good thing Gaston isn’t around. The last thing we need is another Large Ham in this place,” the bartender mumbled while filling Mendoza’s glass.

 More stories of quests were shared within the later hours. Other heroes came and went, and the old bartender was as pleased as ever to see familiar faces as well as new ones.

 Finally, when the clock struck 20 hours, many of the adventurers returned to their universes.

 Agent 5 sobered up and teleported out of the bar, noticing on his visor that the Temporal Security Agency needed him at another time period.

 Umang rejoined Nikifor whom happened to be leaving the bathroom at that exact time; Alexander summoned his genie Shamir Shamazel and asked for transport with his father back to the Land of the Green Isles; Jack simply strolled out the front door to a hover train nearby; Robert and Roger walked out casually together, with Rob smirking, “I think we’ll make good friends, Rog.”

 “Thanks, I haven’t had friends in a long time. All I do is clean up after everyone else’s messes.”

 Mendoza waited on the porch for the Golden Condor to swoop in and see his young child companions in its cockpit, guiding him aboard.

 When every last quester was gone, the floating tavern in space was silent